reflection – Tehama Group Communications

By Walker Hardy

A jolting sound is sent through my system, causing my eyes to wire open at 7:00 a.m. – it’s time to start the school and work day. I sluggishly get out of my bed and start to get ready, dissociating and waiting for my system to wake up.

Looking at my reflection, my system is awake now and my mind seems to start to think about all the stressors in my life; my living situation, my health, what’s gonna happen if… I allow my anxiety to drive me up a wall.

I pick out my favorite sweater, one that will give me security and comfort as I throw together avocado toast with pepper and Sriracha. I rush out the door to make my 9:30 a.m. lecture and try to forget my stress. Just keep pushing.

I continuously ignore the tension in my body, hoping for the moment I can unlock the red front door to my home, my comfort place. I get to my safety box of a room and plop down onto my office chair. My body feels heavy and my head leans forward as my eyes become watery from feeling stuck, frustrated and tired in life and school.

I look up at my yellow post note on my clipboard that says, ‘remember impermanence.’

As a newer TGC member, there have been moments when I’ve felt worried and overwhelmed with the responsibility of working with real-world clients. I felt stuck with dealing with the heat, however, I tried to remind myself that feelings come and go.

I nurture myself to the idea that if I feel stuck, that’s okay, it’s new and I will get the hang of it.

Reminding yourself that you will feel differently soon is the theme of impermanence.

Impermanence in the workspace environment has been a key outlet for me to remind myself that things can be new and scary but they could eventually turn into something beautiful and beneficial.

The things that don’t change in life become secure, giving you that sense of familiarity and belonging. Yet that security body feels can bring the feeling of permanence; everlasting, however, that personally leads me into a deep, dark spiral.

On the flip side of permanent things, Buddhism interprets impermanence as events in the environment in our physical, internal and emotional skeletons that will continuously change, evolve and grow.

Buddhism ideologically, whether (Annica or Anitya,) defines impernance as being a theme of

“Everything changes and nothing last’s forever.”

Rather than continuously dwelling on what causes me discomfort in life, I feel the discomfort and hope that when I open my eyes for the next day, I might feel better and if I don’t, I will feel differently soon.

Within the past few months, I realized the not-so-positive effects of never being satisfied or letting your body feel emotions. I have a hard time telling my inner self that it’s okay to feel my worries.

To not dwell on what I don’t have or let myself get carried away with how bad things are since my feelings could change within a week or the next day.

Impermanence has worked its way into my emotional life, too. Rather than stuffing down my challenging feelings, I let myself feel that emotion, hoping it passes so I learn what to do next time. I feel stuck or want to feel differently.

Acknowledging my inner feelings will genuinely allow me to grow in my career endeavors and find peace of mind in young adulthood.

Whether in my workspace or school life, when I’m starting to feel my body get tense and scared of what if, I challenge myself to the idea that everything changes; reminding myself that my feelings will shed and I’ll have new skin.

By Marc Mercado

I remember when I switched my studies from concrete industry management (CIM) to interior architecture my freshman year. Even the architecture advisor questioned why I wanted to switch programs considering how successful CIM is.

That was the reason why I chose CIM for my academic career at Chico State. At that point in my life, I was driven by the expectations others set for me, with hopes of leaping over the poverty line. It only took the introductory course to push myself to look into other avenues– if this was going to be my full-time career I needed something more;

I was on a line: “to be a concrete man, or to know that I can [succeed without sacrificing]”.

With a minor in theatre arts, I looked forward to pursuing a program that included media arts. I came across the Media, Art, Design and Technology department, researched the major advisors, and I got in touch with Jennifer Meadows.

I hoped that she would be able to tell that I was lost and this was where I belonged, but my path continued to change and after that meeting, I kept looking. I was honestly intimidated by something new.

I thought, “if I’m worried about learning new skills/software in this academic path, then why not look for something that already encompasses my own skills and knowledge?”

Then I found interior architecture, so I figured, I know how to draw, I love design, and this will also satisfy two important areas of my life: family expectations and financial goals. There was much to love about this major, and to this day, I look back and wonder what life would have been like.

Int. Architecture sketches by Marc

Fall was turning into winter. I was burning up and freezing at the same time; during this time my mental health was declining so during break, I flew to Mexico. Being outside of the country where I studied and worked felt incredibly liberating, I was surrounded by the beautiful Michoacán coast, the most blue skies and the greenest plants. This place is a sanctuary to me, it’s where I spent most of my childhood.

A month turned into one more night and then I was in the sky, flying back “home”. There was still a lot of healing to be done, I hadn’t spent time thinking about the things I was still dealing with, but at least had a new academic plan.

It’s Junior Year, the first semester is a breeze, I joined AIGA (American Institute of Graphic Arts) and felt comfort knowing I was part of a design community. I forgot to mention that every time I went to academic advising for my major changes, I had to do all the “figuring it out” and show up with a plan. The absolute best advice I got was from a friend, Luciana, who encouraged me to pursue this graphic design path.

The second semester was unexpected. My confidence level in this new program was low, but I knew I was still learning. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough “graphic design” and was still figuring out how I could find passion in this form of art and design. During this semester there were many new professors in the department and talks about how some would say “ you should’ve learned X in Jane Doe’s class”. The unveiling of Chico State’s rebrand happened during the same time students in our program were being told they wouldn’t be able to graduate on time due to class shortages and the entirety of at least two classes emailed the department with concerns about a discourteous professor.

With all this going on, I wasn’t sure of my place here at Chico State. The more I fell in love with graphic design, and learned about how to use it to communicate, to express and to create art, the more I saw how unimportant I was to my university. I turned my cheek and saw the Academy of Arts in San Francisco. Immediately, I began planning; I reached out and began the application process.

I was on the phone with Chico State but they kept me on hold. The Academy was ringing but the minutes were too expensive. I felt like I needed better guidance, I needed professors that cared, a campus that recognized my passion. I was going to end up paying more out of pocket than I ever did at Chico and could tell that my ambition was too much for my family, for our bank accounts. It was only going to be an online program anyway.

A letter was sent to my address, from the Academy. I got in, it all came down to the story I wanted to tell:

Work with what I’m given and persevere? Or succumb to a for-profit school and find myself in a worse financial situation?

Clearly, I chose the former option. It’s like this mantra I heard some years back about how a good artist can work under any circumstance.

Tag: reflection

Feel Differently

A Moment Of Self Reflection